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Had a really rough night. Woke up at like 4am in a cold sweat. Spent what felt like hours, but in reality was probably more like five minutes, in the bathroom, waiting to throw up, but couldn't. The sweat went away, and I passed out a few minutes later. I very rarely get physically ill, so when it happens it tends to be really rough. That I didn't quite get there last night felt in some way worse, maybe a warning sign that something worse is coming down the pike. I'd love not to be sick this week when I have a few days off, but, let's see.
Had a dream afterward that left me just totally bummed out. I don't know why, but for the second time in a week, I had a dream that was really nostalgic, specific, and sad. Last time, I dreamt about old websites, friends along the way, and even signed up here as a result, just to feel something approximating the sense of being on an older, better internet.
This time was much more painful, at least when I woke up. I dreamt about an old friend, almost a flame, who I'm pretty sure I was in the process of falling in love with at the time. I was like 23, maybe 24 years old, and she was a little older, in her early 30s. She was absolutely drop-dead gorgeous, maybe the most beautiful woman I've ever met. We flirted constantly, came closer and closer, and then one day, when it seemed like something was about to finally happen, she was gone. Puff of smoke, vanished into the ether, never to be seen or heard from again. I don't think I ever really understood why it happened that way. Maybe she found someone else, maybe she felt guilty about putting moves on a guy who was like ten years her junior (I absolutely did not mind this). I guess she'd be in the early-mid 40s now. I hope she's doing good.
It's been a long time since I've thought about her, but between that dream and being (almost) sick in the middle of the night, the general sadness and malaise I've been feeling recently has been eating me up all day. I'm already depressed, and the winter is always rough, but I gotta push through it. I gotta get out of here. I'm so isolated, so lonely, so unable to communicate in this place where my language skills are simply not good enough. Sometimes I go weeks without having a conversation.
Something's gotta change soon.
Had a dream afterward that left me just totally bummed out. I don't know why, but for the second time in a week, I had a dream that was really nostalgic, specific, and sad. Last time, I dreamt about old websites, friends along the way, and even signed up here as a result, just to feel something approximating the sense of being on an older, better internet.
This time was much more painful, at least when I woke up. I dreamt about an old friend, almost a flame, who I'm pretty sure I was in the process of falling in love with at the time. I was like 23, maybe 24 years old, and she was a little older, in her early 30s. She was absolutely drop-dead gorgeous, maybe the most beautiful woman I've ever met. We flirted constantly, came closer and closer, and then one day, when it seemed like something was about to finally happen, she was gone. Puff of smoke, vanished into the ether, never to be seen or heard from again. I don't think I ever really understood why it happened that way. Maybe she found someone else, maybe she felt guilty about putting moves on a guy who was like ten years her junior (I absolutely did not mind this). I guess she'd be in the early-mid 40s now. I hope she's doing good.
It's been a long time since I've thought about her, but between that dream and being (almost) sick in the middle of the night, the general sadness and malaise I've been feeling recently has been eating me up all day. I'm already depressed, and the winter is always rough, but I gotta push through it. I gotta get out of here. I'm so isolated, so lonely, so unable to communicate in this place where my language skills are simply not good enough. Sometimes I go weeks without having a conversation.
Something's gotta change soon.
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